I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
