how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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