I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
