plz talk dirty to me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
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I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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