the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
