i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
