Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
