You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
