he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
