worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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