we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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