**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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