So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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