Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
