Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
