I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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