a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
