I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Green mimosas i think yes
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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