if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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