To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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