I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
