found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
