is wine microwaveable?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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