He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
