This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
