how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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