do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
