But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
