I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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