I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
