Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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