I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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