When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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