Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
