First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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