my mouth tastes like poor choices
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
