That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
we're so committed to being not committed
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