I heard we made out
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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