shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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