Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket