I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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