I look better un-naked...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dicks are not precious.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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