Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
