So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
