Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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