If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
