just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
