dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
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I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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