I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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