youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
