Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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