I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
