I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
