He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
