When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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